UNDERSTANDING GRIEF
“THE MOURNING PERIOD”: 40 DAYS AFTER DEATH
The nurse from hospice recommended taking six weeks to grieve on our own before considering joining a grief support group. I found that to familiar since us Armenians have been practicing a tradition called Karasounk for centuries to honor the deceased. It's a 40-day acknowledgment of the person who has passed, through a requiem service during church mass. This serves as another mark in this grieving journey. After mass, the family holds a "mercy meal" called "hoki jash," which is a gathering to celebrate the person's life and share memories. The day ends with a visit to the gravesite followed by returning home with close relatives and friends. It's believed the soul transitions 40 days after passing.
Yesterday was the 40th day since my dad passed away.
During mass, the requiem is where we pray for someone who has died, called "hokehankist,” which in our language means "the soul at rest." The choir sings the song of the requiem. This part of the mass always hits a cord because of the pure beauty and sadness happening at the same time in this song.
This was my dads favorite part of church.
This whole day, actually, sounds a lot like my dads favorite things to do.
For example, he enjoyed walking in the cemetery where he's buried now. He used to half-jokingly say, "It's quiet there, and nobody bothers me." My dad was an avid chef. He loved to cook and would feed anyone. It was his passion and what he believed was his real life’s work. He would have been proud of the hoki jash we put on today, which was a FULL 30 foot long table and fed over 100 people. Finally, we would all come back to our house with family for Armenian coffee and more snacks.
This is where my dad would look forward to being in his chair in the living room, holding court and telling stories.
The 40 day mark as the end of a mourning period, to me, it’s a suggestion. Although our cells change completely every six weeks (approximately 40 days), I’m not sure that I’ll ever be done mourning the loss of my father. The same way that I wouldn’t expect any parent to stop celebrating the ongoing life of their child. The love does not stop after death, so neither does the pain. Going through this process and conducting my own grief study has allowed me to be open and learn something new every day about life, death and our relationships with people through both.
If you are currently experiencing grief or if you are someone grief adjacent, here’s a few more things I’ve discovered that may be of service to you:
1. Grieve as much and as often and in whatever way is helpful and healthy for you.
Everything we love we lose and most people are not prepared for the inevitability of loss. Most folks because of that don’t understand your anticipatory grief (the notion that even before they die we are grieving the version of the person you know and love and what those final moments would look like.)
2. People will do and say some really strange things to you when someone dies and it will leave you either completely shocked or with increased irritability. Even “words of comfort” like “it gets better with time” or “this too shall pass” may actually not comforting at all - try not to take this too personally. Some folks haven’t experienced complex grief in themselves or with others (painful emotions that are so long lasting and severe you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.) This might instigate some self isolation, which can create divisiveness in our relationships. Unprocessed grief is damaging to you and the people around you. Grief gets better with work.
3. If you are uncomfortable with grief or are simply trying to understand anticipatory grief and complex grief, shift in your mindset.
Recognize that grief doesn't just happen when you lose someone. We all experience grief at some point in losing a job, a relationship, the idea of a life, a dream. Recognize that grief is a full body experience and that could manifest in a number of ways. You don’t have to be ashamed or apologize for your grief, regardless of how long its been - grief does not have an expiration date.
Fellow student of grief Sky Jarrett discusses all of these things in a 18 minutes TedTalk linked below.
I intent to use this space to provide more first hand stories as I move through my own grief. As well as a space for resources on grief and my own art work.
Until next time,
Ani Moush
Finding Joy in Grief: A Radical and Mindful Approach to Grieving | Sky Jarrett | TEDTalk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUiT0cpBPK8&list=PLKjRgaZ5FqKaWRj0Rnq93LiuF17L4wQJX&index=2
“Named one of NYC Journal's Top 30 Most Inspiring Women, Sky Jarrett is a former consulting executive at one of the world’s largest consulting firms, founder of Transcend Global, and creator of the Relaxed Hustle™ Retreat. As a transformational leadership coach and mindfulness instructor, Sky partners with senior executives at Fortune 500 companies worldwide to help them build personal mastery and amplify their human potential”
