It Starts with Heartbreak
The First 30 Days
During the first month after losing a loved one, time feels strange. Some days go by quickly while others feel like an eternity to complete.
We lost my dad a month ago today, and as I sit here this morning writing this to you, I’m drinking the same cappuccino that I’d make every morning before going to sit with him and tell him good morning. Things feel familiar, but so much has changed.
The grief began before he was diagnosed with advanced kidney cancer, which later spread and led to his death. Losing my dad was and is a monumental loss. But as my Libra father would always say “Everything is two sided, even your hands.” With that in mind, I am working towards finding meaning in the shadow of his death. As an artist, I'm trying to find meaning in his death and let it inspire my art, but first, I need to understand and embrace my grief.
These last 30-odd days, I've been studying grief in two ways. First, I learned from experts through Masterclasses, Ted Talks, podcasts, and books. Second, I observed my own grief while handling all the tasks that come after someone dies, such as choosing a casket, shutting off their phone and such. Each task felt like a completely unique and equally tough side quest.
You might be dealing with grief right now, or have already experienced it. I want to share my own journey of grief here on this blog, and hopefully, provide some useful resources and wisdom that I've gained along the way, so that it can help to fortify you for your own personal grief journey.
Here are three things I’ve learned about grief in the last 30 days:
1. We don’t move on, we move forward.
On the morning my dad passed away, I watched a TedTalk by Nora McInerny, who lost her dad, husband, and had a miscarriage in the same year. She shared the idea that we don't move on from grief or the person we lost, but we move forward, with them, because they are still very much present with us.
You can watch that TedTalk here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw&list=PLKjRgaZ5FqKaWRj0Rnq93LiuF17L4wQJX&index=1&t=6s
2. Unprocessed grief stored in the body can lead to your own sickness
For some time while my dad was sick and even after he passed, my body went through a lot of turmoil. Random persistent pains, headaches, stomach purging, even a full body shut down for a day or two. Towards his final days, I made the decision to start a grief study so I could understand and analyze my own grief and move through it in a healthy way. An uninterrupted, designated time of day that I could observe, watch and work through my feelings of grief alone. It made me feel more grounded and connected to my dad, and served as a journal for me to look back on, that I could maybe eventually share my findings with someone who could also benefit from what I was learning externally and about myself.
If you need to be more scientific about grief, you might connect with this podcast episode. Dr. Andrew Huberman is an American neuroscientist and host of the #1 Health and Fitness podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, Huberman Lab. He is an associate professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford University School of Medicine. In this episode named, The Science & Process of Healing from Grief, he covers a lot of relevant and helpful information about grief and how grief is processed in our bodies.
I found it particularly interesting when he explains the connection of our cortisol rhythms and grieving. Designated grieving time, “rational grieving time,” can help modulate cortisol, which in turn can help with regulating emotions during this extreme time of grief.
Basically, if you even allow five minutes a day to just fully hang out with your grief, that can be immensely beneficial for your own health and mental wellness. This is relevant during the time of caretaking and especially at the time of transitioning as we move forward.
Here is that episode:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzOvi0Aa2EA&list=PLKjRgaZ5FqKaWRj0Rnq93LiuF17L4wQJX&index=5
3. The veil is thinner than you think. Your loved one who passed on will respond if you talk to them.
In a future blog post I will go on to tell stories of signs of my dad showing up for me from beyond, but for now I will just tell you this:
Keep talking to your loved ones who’ve passed on. Keep the dialog of communication open, because they will respond to you, in small, beautiful and magical ways.
Until next time,
Ani Moush
