Ani Moush 3/28/24 Ani Moush 3/28/24

Broken Tiger

The day that I write this, we will be in the third day of a full moon lunar eclipse in Libra. (3/27/24).

Okay…what does that even mean?

Physically, this means the moon is currently sitting between earth and the sun. Our glorious moon completes one circle of the zodiac every 28 days, spending about 2.5 days in one sign at a time, and right now, the moon in the sky has entered into the zodiac sign of Libra. The astrology of this asks us to let go of relationships that no longer serve us.

*Cut to, a blog post diving into the grief story of one of my paintings.*

This blog is a small part of my healing journey and working through my grief. But my artwork is my greatest representation of my healing journey, and working through my grief.

I created this piece in early 2022 after experiencing the unexpected grief and loss of a friendship. When I say loss, thankfully, nobody passed away. However, we can experience grief and loss in a multitude of ways during our human experience here on earth… the loss of a past relationship, a friendship or job. This grief was something that I held onto for a really long time and found myself continuously going back to it in my mind. I would replay conversations and experiences, I went through a range of emotions that continued to surprise me. It felt isolating and lonely. I felt betrayed and pushed aside. I share this now because I’ve learned that this actually happens to a lot of folks, especially when they are going through great personal changes.

On you journey to find your most authentic self, there may come a point during your evolution where the people closest to you, abandon you while you're on your quest. Perhaps your bravery has made them uncomfortable or rather they themselves haven't looked within to make necessary change, as you are.
Regardless of the reason, remember, you are worthy of this journey and support.

Here is a prompt for you to help you move through your own grief in a productive and physical way:

ARTIST PROMPT:

Move through your grief through art. Grab paint, a canvas and a utensil different that a paint brush and challenge yourself to move through this grief and pull all the muck of disappointment and betrayal out onto your canvas.

Ani Moush 2/19/24 Ani Moush 2/19/24

UNDERSTANDING GRIEF

“THE MOURNING PERIOD”: 40 DAYS AFTER DEATH

The nurse from hospice recommended taking six weeks to grieve on our own before considering joining a grief support group. I found that to familiar since us Armenians have been practicing a tradition called Karasounk for centuries to honor the deceased. It's a 40-day acknowledgment of the person who has passed, through a requiem service during church mass. This serves as another mark in this grieving journey. After mass, the family holds a "mercy meal" called "hoki jash," which is a gathering to celebrate the person's life and share memories. The day ends with a visit to the gravesite followed by returning home with close relatives and friends. It's believed the soul transitions 40 days after passing.
Yesterday was the 40th day since my dad passed away.

During mass, the requiem is where we pray for someone who has died, called "hokehankist,” which in our language means "the soul at rest." The choir sings the song of the requiem. This part of the mass always hits a cord because of the pure beauty and sadness happening at the same time in this song.
This was my dads favorite part of church.

This whole day, actually, sounds a lot like my dads favorite things to do.

For example, he enjoyed walking in the cemetery where he's buried now. He used to half-jokingly say, "It's quiet there, and nobody bothers me." My dad was an avid chef. He loved to cook and would feed anyone. It was his passion and what he believed was his real life’s work. He would have been proud of the hoki jash we put on today, which was a FULL 30 foot long table and fed over 100 people. Finally, we would all come back to our house with family for Armenian coffee and more snacks.
This is where my dad would look forward to being in his chair in the living room, holding court and telling stories.

The 40 day mark as the end of a mourning period, to me, it’s a suggestion. Although our cells change completely every six weeks (approximately 40 days), I’m not sure that I’ll ever be done mourning the loss of my father. The same way that I wouldn’t expect any parent to stop celebrating the ongoing life of their child. The love does not stop after death, so neither does the pain. Going through this process and conducting my own grief study has allowed me to be open and learn something new every day about life, death and our relationships with people through both.

If you are currently experiencing grief or if you are someone grief adjacent, here’s a few more things I’ve discovered that may be of service to you:

1. Grieve as much and as often and in whatever way is helpful and healthy for you.
Everything we love we lose and most people are not prepared for the inevitability of loss. Most folks because of that don’t understand your anticipatory grief (the notion that even before they die we are grieving the version of the person you know and love and what those final moments would look like.)

2. People will do and say some really strange things to you when someone dies and it will leave you either completely shocked or with increased irritability. Even “words of comfort” like “it gets better with time” or “this too shall pass” may actually not comforting at all - try not to take this too personally. Some folks haven’t experienced complex grief in themselves or with others (painful emotions that are so long lasting and severe you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.) This might instigate some self isolation, which can create divisiveness in our relationships. Unprocessed grief is damaging to you and the people around you. Grief gets better with work.

3. If you are uncomfortable with grief or are simply trying to understand anticipatory grief and complex grief, shift in your mindset.
Recognize that grief doesn't just happen when you lose someone. We all experience grief at some point in losing a job, a relationship, the idea of a life, a dream. Recognize that grief is a full body experience and that could manifest in a number of ways. You don’t have to be ashamed or apologize for your grief, regardless of how long its been - grief does not have an expiration date.

Fellow student of grief Sky Jarrett discusses all of these things in a 18 minutes TedTalk linked below.

I intent to use this space to provide more first hand stories as I move through my own grief. As well as a space for resources on grief and my own art work.

Until next time,

Ani Moush

Finding Joy in Grief: A Radical and Mindful Approach to Grieving | Sky Jarrett | TEDTalk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUiT0cpBPK8&list=PLKjRgaZ5FqKaWRj0Rnq93LiuF17L4wQJX&index=2

“Named one of NYC Journal's Top 30 Most Inspiring Women, Sky Jarrett is a former consulting executive at one of the world’s largest consulting firms, founder of Transcend Global, and creator of the Relaxed Hustle™ Retreat. As a transformational leadership coach and mindfulness instructor, Sky partners with senior executives at Fortune 500 companies worldwide to help them build personal mastery and amplify their human potential”

Ani Moush 2/4/24 Ani Moush 2/4/24

It Starts with Heartbreak

The First 30 Days

During the first month after losing a loved one, time feels strange. Some days go by quickly while others feel like an eternity to complete.
We lost my dad a month ago today, and as I sit here this morning writing this to you, I’m drinking the same cappuccino that I’d make every morning before going to sit with him and tell him good morning. Things feel familiar, but so much has changed.

The grief began before he was diagnosed with advanced kidney cancer, which later spread and led to his death. Losing my dad was and is a monumental loss. But as my Libra father would always say “Everything is two sided, even your hands.” With that in mind, I am working towards finding meaning in the shadow of his death. As an artist, I'm trying to find meaning in his death and let it inspire my art, but first, I need to understand and embrace my grief.

These last 30-odd days, I've been studying grief in two ways. First, I learned from experts through Masterclasses, Ted Talks, podcasts, and books. Second, I observed my own grief while handling all the tasks that come after someone dies, such as choosing a casket, shutting off their phone and such. Each task felt like a completely unique and equally tough side quest.

You might be dealing with grief right now, or have already experienced it. I want to share my own journey of grief here on this blog, and hopefully, provide some useful resources and wisdom that I've gained along the way, so that it can help to fortify you for your own personal grief journey.

Here are three things I’ve learned about grief in the last 30 days:

1. We don’t move on, we move forward.

On the morning my dad passed away, I watched a TedTalk by Nora McInerny, who lost her dad, husband, and had a miscarriage in the same year. She shared the idea that we don't move on from grief or the person we lost, but we move forward, with them, because they are still very much present with us.

You can watch that TedTalk here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw&list=PLKjRgaZ5FqKaWRj0Rnq93LiuF17L4wQJX&index=1&t=6s

2. Unprocessed grief stored in the body can lead to your own sickness

For some time while my dad was sick and even after he passed, my body went through a lot of turmoil. Random persistent pains, headaches, stomach purging, even a full body shut down for a day or two. Towards his final days, I made the decision to start a grief study so I could understand and analyze my own grief and move through it in a healthy way. An uninterrupted, designated time of day that I could observe, watch and work through my feelings of grief alone. It made me feel more grounded and connected to my dad, and served as a journal for me to look back on, that I could maybe eventually share my findings with someone who could also benefit from what I was learning externally and about myself.

If you need to be more scientific about grief, you might connect with this podcast episode. Dr. Andrew Huberman is an American neuroscientist and host of the #1 Health and Fitness podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, Huberman Lab. He is an associate professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford University School of Medicine. In this episode named, The Science & Process of Healing from Grief, he covers a lot of relevant and helpful information about grief and how grief is processed in our bodies.

I found it particularly interesting when he explains the connection of our cortisol rhythms and grieving. Designated grieving time, “rational grieving time,” can help modulate cortisol, which in turn can help with regulating emotions during this extreme time of grief.

Basically, if you even allow five minutes a day to just fully hang out with your grief, that can be immensely beneficial for your own health and mental wellness. This is relevant during the time of caretaking and especially at the time of transitioning as we move forward.

Here is that episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzOvi0Aa2EA&list=PLKjRgaZ5FqKaWRj0Rnq93LiuF17L4wQJX&index=5

3. The veil is thinner than you think. Your loved one who passed on will respond if you talk to them.

In a future blog post I will go on to tell stories of signs of my dad showing up for me from beyond, but for now I will just tell you this:
Keep talking to your loved ones who’ve passed on. Keep the dialog of communication open, because they will respond to you, in small, beautiful and magical ways.

Until next time,
Ani Moush